


Shine

by sleeponrooftops



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-08
Updated: 2010-12-08
Packaged: 2017-10-31 08:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/341781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeponrooftops/pseuds/sleeponrooftops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is one thing in my life that I will never admit to, and that is loving Sirius Black.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shine

Dear Remus,

 

I never wanted to write this letter, but I have to.  I feel like things are heading toward the worst, like James and I are going to die before this is over.  I can feel him getting closer every day, and it scares me.  I’m going to leave this in Sirius’ room in hopes that you’ll find it one day.  I’m not supposed to be here, in Grimmauld, but I had to come, just one last time.  It’s October, mid-October, and I’m scared.  I love you.  Please don’t hate me for this secret.

_Your eyes are brighter than the sun;_

_They make me see that you’re the one._

_Your smile takes my breath away,_

_And leaves me with nothing to say._

 

There is one thing in my life that I will never admit to, and that is loving Sirius Black.

 

Sixth year happened in a blur.  To this day, still, if you asked me what happened in the month of November, I’d just act befuddled and run away.  Because I don’t _know_ what happened in the month of November in my sixth year, the month that Sirius Black decided that he also loved me.

 

I understand entirely why he never admitted to it previously.  I totally get why if someone asked him what happened that month, he’d probably react the same way.  It was wrong, on so many levels, especially considering James and I went on to date at the end of our sixth year, love all throughout our seventh, and marry almost immediately after.  That considered, I will also never forget November.

 

I remember when I realized it, mid-October, when a few of the volunteer sixth years were helping to decorate the Great Hall.  James had volunteered the Marauders to try to get close to me.  I almost wished I’d taken his distraction instead of walking out into the open chilly air to get a breath of fresh air.  I wasn’t there for more than five minutes when I was joined.

 

“It’s cold out, Lils,” a sweet voice murmured beside me, and I looked sideways at Sirius.

 

Sirius Black.  Charming, beautiful, forbidden.  Oh, Sirius, with his curly raven hair, his warm grey eyes, his angled face, and his pounding heart.  He was so real, so tangible, so alive, always had been, always would be.  But he was Padfoot, James’ best friend, and that’s why he was forbidden.

 

“It is,” I admitted, looking down at my arms, risen with goosebumps.

 

I shivered, involuntarily, and drew my arms tighter around me.  Sirius was behind me then, strong arms wrapping around me and holding me against him.  He smelled like the forest and pumpkins.  I laughed, leaning my head against his shoulder and inhaling.

 

“You smell like Halloween,” I commented softly, and he just chuckled this deep, low chuckle before burying his nose in my neck.

 

“You smell like roses,” he said after a few moments, lifting his face back up, and I just shook my head.

 

“You’re so full of lies, Black,” I tsked, wriggling away from him and turning to face him, “What are you doing out here anyway?  Shouldn’t you be back torturing poor James?”

 

“James, huh?  Since when were you two on a first name basis?” he teased, leaning forward and touching my nose with his forefinger.

 

I was comfortable with Sirius, more than I usually let on or would admit to myself.  He was taller than me in a good way, not a looming Severus way.  He was big and strong, and I felt safe in his arms.  I’d let him hold me in secret like this before, and we’d shared a hug or two.  We both knew it was wrong; Christ, James would have a heart attack should he ever find out his best mate was flirting with the so-called love of his life.

 

Sirius shrugged when I didn’t respond.

 

“I like being with you,” came his simple response, “You should know that.”

 

“I do know that.  C’mon, I’m chilly,” I said, turning around again.

 

He laughed softly, putting his arms around me again.  We stayed like that for a little while until the cold began to nip through Sirius’ arms and catch me in the chest, making my breath shorter, and that’s when I decided it was time to go in.

 

“Okay, now I’m cold,” I mumbled, parting his arms and stepping away.

 

When I turned back, Sirius was still standing there, arms hanging limply by his sides, and he had this strange look on his face.  He closed the distance of a step that was now between us, and we were suddenly much closer than I’d ever been to him.

 

“Lily,” he whispered, and I let my eyes close in satisfaction as his thumb caressed my cheek, “Can I kiss you?”

 

To this day, I don’t remember nodding, I don’t remember saying yes, I don’t remember giving any kind of confirmation, but I know, deep somewhere in me, that I did.  And I remember how the kiss felt, I remember every second of it.

 

Sirius had smooth lips, inviting ones, and, as he would later describe mine, I had pillow lips.  There was just this fire the second he brought his mouth to mine, this absolute explosion of bliss.  Butterflies rammed off the walls of my stomach, my heart thumped wildly against my ribcage, and my brain went dead, fireworks shooting off like rockets around my skull.  I had never kissed someone like that before, so passionately, so longingly.  I thought, at any instant, we would be caught and I would drop dead.

 

Instead, we parted, breath’s gone, eyes glassy, and trembling.  We stared at each other for a long time, wondering what to do, what to say, and Sirius finally stabbed the silence when he said,

 

“Wow.”

 

Wow.  Sirius Black said _wow_ to me.  I’d never been happier.

 

This moment will remain in my memory forever, a little stain of joy.  Of course, my life with James has been nothing but amazing, but a part of me will always yearn for Sirius and that wonderful little thing he did to me.  He made me feel like I was going crazy, like I would never be alright again in the world without him.

 

_Everything you say, everytime we kiss,_

_I can’t think straight, but I’m okay._

_And I can’t think of anybody else,_

_Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you._

Sirius and I didn’t speak for a week after that night.  And, when we finally did, things were back to normal, it was just Sirius and I, best friends, closer than we ever had been.  Everyone noticed how we were drawn to each other, how we were nearly as inseparable as James and he.

 

James.  They had one of the few fights they’d ever had _over me_.  I remember being in the girl’s dormitory, hearing every single word.  How James accused him of dating me in secret, how he’d heard whispers of us sneaking off together.  How well Sirius was at defending himself, how he shot down every single one of James’ attacks.  How, in the end, they shouted until they were blue in the face and becoming croaky, how James finally calmed down, looked him straight in the eye, and said,

 

“Have you ever kissed her?”

 

I wish I could’ve seen Sirius’ face.  Some people tell me he looked completely the same as he had the whole fight: angry, determined, rigid.  But you, Remus, you told me exactly what no one else saw: how his eyes broke, how the warmth slipped right out and he was cold as ice, how you could almost see his heart in his eyes, ripped to shreds and stomped on.

 

“Of course I haven’t, you dumb shit,” Sirius said back to him, in the lowest and meanest tones.

 

James always believed him.  I believed him even.  Sometimes I thought it was a dream.  Until November happened.  And I even think I dreamt that sometimes.

 

November was the month Sirius and I decided that we actually did love each other.  And it was _love_ , not just some sex-crazed infatuation.  Sex.  Oh, that word.  Sirius was my first, on November 26th, one week before we decided we couldn’t be together.  It was mutual.  Both of us knew that it was going to happen, and both of us were okay with it.

 

“Lily, we can’t,” he said, two hours after the last time we made love, only the third time we ever had.

 

“I know,” I mumbled back, not wanting to admit that he was right, but knowing he was, “It’s tearing everyone apart.  You and James, it can’t happen again.”

 

They’d fought the night before, _again_.  And over me, _again_.  I hated listening to them fight, hated when Remus came up to me and told me, “Well, this time it wasn’t just his eyes.  You could see it all over his face, how broken he was, how much he hated himself, how he’d rather take his own life than cause James this grief.  Thankfully, James didn’t see it.  They’re making up now, took a trip to Honeydukes.  I opted out.”

 

I remember just nodding and locking myself in the bathroom.  I remember putting a silencing charm on the door after telling Remus to go away, and I remember screaming into my arms before I sobbed hysterically.

 

“We have to end this,” I said, shaking my head and looking up at him.

 

One month, and everything had nearly been destroyed.  And in that one month, we loved so much.  We went on dates late at night, we disappeared on weekends and went on long walks, talking about the world and our lives.  We kissed and we touched, we made each other feel alive.  He was so warm, so beautiful, and I never deserved him.

 

I watched his face the days after it ended, watched how he absolutely died inside.  I watched what he did when James and I started dating in March, watched how he dropped into the shadows and became invisible when we were together.  That whole end of the year, I was always sad, wanting to just run to him, pull him into my arms, kiss him, and tell him it would be alright, we would work things out.

 

The summer came and went, and our seventh year was better.  He dated off and on, but he never really fell in love again.  I did.  James let me fall in love.  He made it so easy.  James is a beautiful man, one that I’ll cherish forever and always, and I’ll love him til death do us part.

 

But he wasn’t Sirius.  He couldn’t make my brain stop, couldn’t make my heart skip, couldn’t make my stomach just _explode_.  He couldn’t make me laugh the same, couldn’t kiss me the same, couldn’t hold me the same.  Which is obvious, because he wasn’t Sirius, he never had been, never would.  They were two different entities entirely, but.  Remus.  I’ll always miss Sirius in my life.

 

I loved the way his hand felt, how my fingers fit perfectly in between his, I loved the way he wrapped his arms around me, how I could feel his smile on my neck, how I felt so hopelessly in love.  Because, my God, I _loved_ that man.  Hell, I still love him.

 

Sirius is my best friend, always has been, always will be.  And I miss him so much.

 

_I’ve run out of complicated theories,_

_So now I’m taking back my words,_

_And I’m preparing for the breakdown._

_Your t-shirt’s lost its smell of you,_

_And the bathroom’s still a mess._

_Remind me why we decided this was for the best._

I’m crying now.  I wish I was right there in his arms right now.  Being in his room is torture.  Being in this house is horrible.  It brings back so many memories of November, of love.  I don’t believe in perfect, but I’ll be damned if I don’t admit that month was the closest thing to perfect I ever experienced.

 

Remus, I’m sorry I’ve burdened you with this.  I’m sorry we’re in this war, I’m sorry I ever lied to all of you.  I’m sorry I caused him so much pain, so much hurt.  I never wanted to break him, and I feel like I did.  If I could go back in time, I would go back to him, and I would just hang onto that moment forever, and I would never let go of him.

 

Maybe all of this would be different.

 

_Lily_

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers: First song belongs to The Morning Of, second song belongs to Hey Monday, and third song belongs to Maria Mena. They are called Shine, 6 Months, and Miss You Love.
> 
> Also: sometimes, I think this is one of my favorite pairings, :D


End file.
